Westfield Watcher Declares School Board Candidacy


WESTFIELD, NJ – A mysterious individual known only as “The Watcher” declared his or her candidacy for the Westfield School Board this month with the filing of a damp, 50-signature petition citing the need for “fresh, young blood” on the board.

In a series of anonymous letters to The Jersey Discharge, The Watcher claims that the Westfield School Board “has been the subject of my family for decades,” and that once on it, he will “have be [sic] put in charge of watching and waiting” for Common Core’s “second coming.”

The Watcher’s platform includes letting “the young blood play again like I once did” with mandatory recess, a call to “stop changing [the PARCC test] and let it alone,” and an affirmation of Westfield’s million-dollar school roof remodeling: “[voters] have changed it any made it so fancy.”

Regarding his or her electability as an anonymous stalker known throughout the state for harassing homeowners, The Watcher claims, “once I know [voters’] names I will call to them and draw them too [sic] me.”



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