Rutgers Football Names Starting Quarterback

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PISCATAWAY, NJ — Rutgers head coach Chris Ash convened a press conference early this morning with a joyous surprise for NJ sports journalists: Rutgers University President Bob “Scotch Bonnet” Barchi will be starting under center for the Scarlet Knights in 2016.

“We’re happy to announce Big Bob as our new starting quarterback. He’s the future of Rutgers Big10 Football,” Ash announced, flanked at the podium by former Christie-appointed State Ombudsman Patrick E. Hobbs and former Christie-appointed Acting NJ Attorney General John J. Hoffman.

“This Barchi kid’s got hustle. He’s got the stuff,” Ash opined. “You see how he handled that UMDNJ merger? With Jersey’s financial state? He’s got red-zone toughness.”

“And his talent for antique watch repair will give us something we sorely lack: clock management skills,” Ash added.

AD Patrick Hobbs closed out the press conference by announcing the renaming of HighPoint Solutions Stadium to Covance Arena.

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